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Column 5 – Part 2

The aftershocks

That doesn’t change the many years of outspoken words that I said, and how many people I have hurt in the process. I can think of two people that are very close to me indirectly, that I unknowingly hurt with some weighty words in this time of brash dialogue. They won’t ever know how sorry I am, and neither will any of those I lost, or those who are still hurting.

I have made an effort to change this. I am not stupid, and I learn from my mistakes.

But, like I said earlier, I won’t lie to you. If you ask my opinion, I think it is only fair that you be prepared for the answer. In that same timeframe, when I was feeling insecure, I did make a lot of new friends. But I founded those relationships on a mistake. I thought I had to not be myself, and constantly censor my thoughts.

Those people are not my friends anymore.

It is because they were stupid. They were stupid to think that I was going to sit around and consider every word I ever say, and think through everything I say before I say it. I just assumed that my friends would love me more as they got to know me better, and how I truly was. If I had to sensor everything I said, I would never say anything, and one conversation would take the time it took the Israelites to find the Promised Land. It is too much effort to please everyone, in everything I say.

Those who care about me, care about me and what type of friend I am, even if I occasionally hurt their feelings.

I immediately know if I have hurt someone close to me and I apologize, profusely. That is if I am in the wrong? I hope those close to me view me as someone who will admit when he is wrong, but you have to prove it first sometimes.

I hope they also chose to hang around because they know that there isn’t a thing that I wouldn’t do for them, and that I would never ditch an open minded friend. I would never dump them for a feeling they said out loud, which I might not agree.

As a result I have a small close circle of friends. They have the best damn qualities any friends have to offer, and each one of them is so amazing.

Reason number 3. Still reading?

The final reason I would say that people don’t like me is that I am selfish. I just heard my mom, telepathically. She said “But does he really believe that? He should really lose the sunglasses and he’d have a better attitude.”

I choose the activities I am interested in, and I feel a lot of the time that my interests should be valuable to those around me. I will always evaluate other people’s wishes, and then make my decision.

But every person does that. A friend asks you “Hey, do you want to go see Swim Fan? I think that looks like a really hot movie.”

I think, “Where in Pete’s sake did I meet this guy? I would have rather of had my wife choose the movie.”

Then I say, “Yeah, I don’t really think I want to see that one on the big screen. Maybe we can get together afterwards.”

I might be selfish for not wanting to go just to be with that person, but I am not the only one guilty of doing this. But with me, it comes off so much more worse; maybe everyone assumes I am a jerk because of the aforementioned two reasons. I evaluate what they want and whether it is really a good use of my time and what I want to do.

I am more intelligent than I let on, and I know myself very well, and I know how I will react in potential situations, so a lot of the time, I jointly avoid those situations and potential conflict.

I have always felt, little things do matter, but I don’t do little things. After a while, if you keep doing the same little things over and over, your friends will take it for granted. Eventually your friends will put you on this platform, and if you slip, you are the one that is in the wrong.

Sarah had this with one of her friends. This friend got a lot of personal time with Sarah. She got cards, special hellos, and thoughts throughout the day. Then one day I said to Sarah, “Hey baby, like ice cream?” and the rest was history. Some of that time and caring was shifted to me. It didn’t mean that she didn’t value this friend any less, but that is how the friend felt. As a result she did some extreme things that hurt Sarah.

So, I don’t give until I am orange in the face. When I do something for my friends, it is memorable event. I do something for them that takes hours, not minutes. I do them less frequently. But I feel that generally people will remember big events. They won’t remember how you emailed regularly or called on a regular basis, until you don’t. Then you would like them to make some contact, and they get mad at you. They don’t know it, and don’t do it on purpose, but they take you for granted. I never want to be in that position.

I wouldn’t say that I am misunderstood, I am understood very well. I would say I am not understood past the place between meeting me for the first time and the first bad impression. I don’t generally make good first impressions. Many relationships with me never are realized because of that sole reason.

So, listen up!

These are my faults. They aren’t easy to admit, but they are on the table now. They might not have been as obvious before, but now you are informed.

This column is to those friends who have stuck with me.

They have stuck with me through my changes and my harsh words, and have found that I am a valuable friend to have, with refreshing and interesting takes on life.

To those who I hurt or turned off, I want to say, we both missed out. I am cool.

So to those who never were, I would say that I am sorry and that I am like a highly anticipated movie. I am better enjoyed the second time around.

~final

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